No one really tells you about your personality flaws. Your husband or best friend might mention something jokingly or in a little fight but usually, these comments are over looked as "just kidding" or spiteful. At least for me, no one comes right out and says , "Sarah, you really need to change this or that".
The past two days have been like a slap in the face from my inner conscience.Two major events that both me a lot have been lingering in my mind. God is trying to tell me something.
Scenario 1: At work, coworkers (both of whom I disagree with on many issues) who I'd like to get to know better and talk with are chatting away about something to do with doctors not knowing anything. I pipe up immediately because (as you may have noticed) I tend to agree with the statement that many doctors overstep their authority and offer advice which really should be a referral or pressure you into making uninformed decisions based on their degree. I go into a very personal and way too detailed account of my eating issues in high school and how my doctor told me it was just a phase.
I mentioned all of this casually, flippantly, almost and realized as soon as I told these people whom I barely know but will have to see every single week about an incredibly personal issue in detail, that, I shouldn't have.
Why do I blab personal information to random people that I barely know?! This blog is an exception, I believe because 1) it's an outlet for me. and 2) you are choosing to read it. My comments to my coworkers were like watching an unfortunate person throw up... you didn't choose to and you feel very ill at the sight of it. I'm pretty sure they didn't want to know about my personal history re:ED and it added little to the conversation.
My dad once took me by the shoulders and said " Sarah, you need to THINK before you SPEAK". I will always remember that because it gets to the core of my dysfunction most of the time.
Scenario #2 - More about speaking. I wanted to go into counseling since I was in high school...partly because I truly care about and want to help people and because I love reading/listening to people's life stories. I thought, "I'm good at talking and bringing out people's thoughts...what a good career choice".
What I need to learn is how to LISTEN. I believe that a lot of the time I CAN be great at listening to others but I am always perpetually holding back from offering advice or solutions and that really is not conducive to good listening.
Today, Noah and I were at Walmart. (Ugh.......I always end up there when I have a multitude of random things to buy...) and were in the baby section. A lovely new mom and baby were shopping and she stopped to say hi to Noah... we were ooing over her baby and she was telling me how old, etc. We had a short convo about sleep and lack there of and then I left.
After I walked away, I realized. She wanted to talk to me. I wasn't really listening to her. She probably needed to talk to another mom and vent or commiserate or just chat and I totally just ignored the need she was presenting. Christ would not have done that. He would have forgotten about the tasks at hand and slowed down and LISTENED. I should have listened or invited her on a coffee/playdate.
I just feel this incredible guilt because I could sense that there was a need there and I didn't try to meet it.
How do I become more AWARE of those around me and their needs and not so into my own? I'm praying about this this week and trying to forget myself. I feel this HUGE calling to be encouraging and helpful to new moms/moms to be. There are many times where I know I've just walked away from that....instead of taking the time to be a more thoughtful person.