Assurance

Assurance...... 

some random thoughts.

{Motherhood can be lonely.}

Maybe you have a child before anyone you know does and your friendships drift away from you.
Or you all have babies and are too busy to make time for one another - not by choice but by necessity.
Working moms, stay at home moms...both have so much to do that its difficult to find time to talk and share. Sometimes, I feel so out of the loop when catching up with old friends or talking to coworkers or anyone for that matter. Sure, I look like I might know what I'm talking about, but I actually have no idea. I'm struggling for words.

 I'm struggling for words. 

I've felt a lot of grief in the past week. I should be the happiest, most cheerful person in the whole entire  world considered what I've been blessed with but it's been difficult to be joyful recently. I've wanted to cry every day for no one reason that I can pinpoint at the time,

It's really not that "motherhood" so to speak is lonely in and of itself. It's actually full of company - children are incredibly loving and giving and boisterous. Its the loss or pausing of other relationships. Every once and again when you're reminded of what it was like to be able to just do, just go, just be spontaneous without worrying about whether or you not you've got diapers and wipes and sippy cups and snacks and making sure he/she is fed, happy and smiling.

Really though,
 Fed, happy and smiling is a much bigger joy than shopping by yourself in the end. It's just much more vulnerable. You've got more to lose.

I'm thinking about my little nephew who passed away last year. His 1st birthday would have been in a week or so. It hurts. His little life was so precious and the fact that we're mourning him now is a constant reminder that life is short and fleeting. There really are no words. Knowing that he is safe in God's arms is my only comfort.

Heidelberg Catechism Question 1.

Q. What is your only comfort

   in life and in death?

A. That I am not my own,^1
but belong—
body and soul,
in life and in death—^2
to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ.^3

He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood,^4
and has set me free from the tyranny of the devil.^5
He also watches over me in such a way^6
that not a hair can fall from my head
without the will of my Father in heaven:^7
in fact, all things must work together for my salvation.^8

Because I belong to him,
Christ, by his Holy Spirit,
assures me of eternal life^9
and makes me wholeheartedly willing and ready
from now on to live for him.^10

If I didn't have this comfort, I'm not sure I could handle the uncertainties of life. 

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending.


There are a few advantages to taking the journey into the shadow of death.  One is that you can appreciate the light more deeply than ever before. - Mom4Life


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On another note..

We've been going to a new church. http://burlingtonvineyard.org/
We really enjoy it so far. It's very small, maybe 20 people or so. It started a little while back and its been slow growing. The people are open, honest, friendly and loving. Most of them are our age with young children. This past Sunday, we met at one of the families' houses and sang and had more of a Bible study format than what people would consider "church". The open sharing and talking about how God has worked in lives as well as how we've struggled was refreshing to say the least. Looking forward to going to church on Sundays - being thirsty for more- has been something thats been missing for me for a while. I respect and love the church we had been going to but I feel that there are boundaries (imagined or not) that keep people apart there or from sharing their struggles. I know that I'm partly responsible for the feeling I'm talking about but hubby and I both felt that we needed a fresh start. We needed something separate from where my family has gone since my grandparents moved to Vermont. When you've been somewhere your whole life, its hard to step away from old feelings/old issues/etc.

I just feel that this church is truly living and breathing and OPEN to anyone. It's a community in every sense of the word and that is the one thing we've really been missing since moving back to VT. I'm happy and excited for what's to come.



Big sigh. I needed to type that all out.

Privileged.

What is it about rainy days that make you sentimental and sullen? Today has been a little surreal in both a happy and sad way. Noah started to really use "yea" and "no" when I ask him questions. It's incredible just how much he understands. It is partly helpful and partly frightening. When he is shaking his head no, he means it! I'm grateful to know what he wants and how to help ---- soo amazing to have this solidified knowledge instead of just guessing all the time. However, it's scary to realize that he is truly growing up at the tender age of 17 months. Yikes.

He said "no" to nursing today. That was a first. And it hurt. At the same time, it is also a bit encouraging to know that he WILL wean himself eventually. I think I'm going to take the "don't offer, don't refuse" approach to weaning. Today he nursed in the morning and then didn't again until 2 which is about as long as he has ever gone voluntarily. This usually happens when we are out and about and busy. To be truthful though, I'm thankful he is not even close to weaning. It seems like most people can't WAIT to be done with nursing...to me, it will make my life so much more difficult and also we'll have to learn a whole new way of comforting, etc.

It's been a mentally exhausting day. Before I was a mom, I could just relax...like...I could sit in a hot tub or get a massage and literally have N-O-T-H-I-N-G on my mind. It's impossible now. I feel constantly on edge...not to the point of discomfort and anxiety but just this little person is always in the back of my mind. And today, I've been even more focused on Noah getting bigger and realizing that I'm responsible for his little life. God has been showering me with this deep awareness of the gravity and privilege of motherhood. 
I think one of the reasons He made us able to reproduce was so that we could understand on some level how deeply He loves us. Before Noah, I didn't have the understanding of the world that I have now. Things are more crisp, like you've just stepped outside a sunny morning after a night of rain. Everything is in focus. Somehow motherhood has deepened who I am and my relationship with Christ. I am falling on my knees every single moment because I realize how IN NEED I am actually am. There is nothing more humbling that learning how to slow down, forget yourself and listen to a child.

Thank you ...  I am blessed.