bittersweet.

Here I am once again. 28.5 weeks pregnant. sitting in the space of distant disbelief that labor (and a child) is coming while feeling the obvious discomfort of 3rd trimester pregnancy.
Yes, we are expecting our third little one. well, really, our fourth.

I think its taken me so long to write here about this pregnancy because it's almost like if I started to write, I would be forgetting the one that came before it. In November, we conceived. I was incredibly thrilled. It was fall, and beautiful. For 4 weeks, we held in our excitement, trying to refrain from telling everyone we knew. This baby felt full of hope and happiness. We just had moved into our new place in southern NH, started to get grounded and it felt like the perfect event to christen our move. I never expected to lose this little one.

Early in the morning on December 3rd (Noah's birthday), I woke up in the dark feeling cramps and warmth. Immediately, my stomach lurched and I ran to the bathroom. Sitting there, watching the redness swirl, tears stinging my cheeks, it wasn't a question. I knew I had lost the baby. The irony of welcoming a baby 5 years prior and losing one the same day felt cruel.

Even though we knew each other for a short time, the grief I felt shook me more than I can explain. The miscarriage was painful. It felt rushed as if it were shoved under the rug. It was Noah's birthday. I couldn't let it out. I cried in the kitchen when the kids weren't looking. Every trip to the bathroom, I wondered if that was the time my baby was flushed down the toilet. I confided in a few friends. Just knowing that others knew helped.  Bryan cried with me when I woke up in the middle of the night reliving the intensity of that two days of "labor". Laboring to let go is something I hadn't stopped to consider before.

As the days went on, the space in my chest felt hollow and numb. I was aching for this little one. Intuitively, the strong sense was there that this baby was a little boy. It's almost as if his presence was hovering over me at night. Wisdom and peace.

Bryan and I didn't talk really about trying again. I googled fertility after miscarriage maybe a hundred times. It wasn't that I wanted to replace the baby. I just realized how much we wanted to add to our family. Somehow I knew instinctively it would happen again soon. During this month, I grew closer to Bryan. Spiritually, I needed his strength. Our day to day lives didn't change, but I clung to him because it felt that he was the only one I knew could empathize with the sense of loss I was experiencing. The baby had been ours.

Christmas morning, I took a pregnancy test. I knew it would be positive. The tiniest, faintest line appeared. I tried to tell Bryan without really telling him...I knew that he would be angry that I had taken a test earlier than my missed period. We were trying to protect ourselves. If we didn't know, we couldn't be hurt when my "period" came. We didn't talk about it until New Year's Eve. Officially, I had missed my cycle, and the tests all showed dark lines. Cautious waiting. Rejoicing didn't quite happen.

This time, morning sickness took hold and didn't let go for 15+ weeks. There were nights where I sobbed because I truly felt like I was dying. The. worst. constant. nausea. I took unisom to sleep at night. There were days where I was throwing up trying to clean up my own vomit. Looking back, I'm not sure how we all withstood it. Bryan and his mother did my dishes, cleaned, fed the kids and generally carried me. We waited until 12 weeks, 3 days (after a dating ultrasound) to tell the kids. It wasn't until I saw my baby on the monitor that I truly believed it was real. The tiny heart beat, arms and legs, spine, everything intact, hiccuping. Me, crying and shaking on the ultrasound table from bittersweet relief.

For my mom, Kristine

my mom with Noah on Easter 09

I must have been 2 years old, maybe 3. The salty evening air whipped my hair around my face,; my heart pounded with fear. My mother held me against her tightly, pointing to the sky, “Sarah, it’s your favorite color, pink!” Each new crack and “wheeewwww” in the air lit up the sky with color- I buried my head into her soft, sunscreen scented skin and breathed in comfort.

Around 8 or 9, my mom let me ride with her to business meetings. Sometimes they would be 7 hour trips, just me and her. I would watch her twirl her wedding rings around with her thumb, long slender fingers tapping the steering wheel impatiently. I wanted to be just like her. Once at a hotel, we watched movies, swam and put on self-tanner all day long. At home, I would look at all her high heels and wish my feet fit into them.... we’d sit in church and her shoe would dangle off her foot when she crossed her legs…and she would look beautiful.

Her youth has always felt palpable to me. At the age of 22, she delivered me. I was her third child (out of five). I remember being aware of her age for the first time when she was 29 and since then, she has not seemed to age.

My mother is incredible. She is full of energy, happiness and light. She is one of the most resilient people I know. I watched her sob over her firstborn son’s body the morning he passed away and in that moment I realized that she was not only my mother but I was her daughter and that was her son, her baby. She loves us. She worked so hard for us, changing diapers (for 17 years), working night after night as a party plan manager/consultant, making huge pots of stew on Sundays….  Her life story would wrap around my entire blog twice. What would have crippled others has made my mother who she is today.

She is a successful entrepreneur and always has taught me that I can achieve my dreams. She taught me to be independent and courageous.  She taught me not to be ashamed of who I am and to speak the truth without fear. She is a fiercely loyal person and a supremely protective mother. She used to say that being a mother was like being a lioness- she would tell me that a lioness would attack without hesitation anything that could threaten her children. I didn’t understand what she meant until I had Noah. The instinctual prowess of a mother is unexplainable. She stood by me as I breastfed Noah for the first time and defended my decision to birth Audrey at home...she respects me as an adult and parent and I appreciate that more than she will ever know.

She taught me to love Jesus and accept Him as my Saviour. She sees the positive side of everything and her favorite color is yellow. She is most beautiful without makeup and her laugh wraps everything in gold.

Many times in my life, people have said, “you are JUST like your mother!” And now I realize how wonderful of a thing that is.

I love you Mom. Thank you for being my friend, my mom and a beacon of light in our family.

Happy Mother’s Day. 

Merry Christmas Eve!

Mmm. What a better way to start the day by sleeping in for an extra hour, having your hubby take your baby sledding, drinking coffee, and starting a blog post in the peace and quiet that is a house filled with washing machines running.

There isn't. :-)

Wonderful news. Everything is all set for the birth financially. Our HSA will be able to cover any extra costs incurred and we don't have to worry anymore about the possibility of paying out of pocket. I'm now free to focus on preparing for the birth and getting all the supplies together.

I ordered the birthing pool last night and after MUCH debate over the La Bassine, Aquaborn, and BPIAB (birth pool in a box), I decided to go with the simplest option, the La Bassine. The Aquaborn is deeper and comes with a lid, but it also takes longer to fill and was going to be $40 more in the end AND it's a bright green color and I sorta envisioned a blue pool. I want to feel calm and centered and I think the lime green color would be distracting. The BPIAB has a lot of great features but in the end, just too expensive right now. The La Bassine has been proven over and over through many births, reliable, quick to inflate and fill and a beautiful blue oval shape with see through walls which I found really nice.

I'm so excited!!! I am really in baby la la land right now and can't WAIT for this baby to be here. Our first home visit is the first week in January and that's really solidifying the whole thing for me. It's happening. We're going to have another little baby. I'm just over the moon right now and can't wait to meet her. Second pregnancies are really more fun because you know ahead of time how incredibly in love you are going to be with your baby. With Noah, it bowled me over. I had NO idea the fierce instinctual feeling of love and protection a mother feels. I had no idea that your whole body physiologically changes... its like your nerves become alive and you can suddenly SEE and FEEL everything.

Mothering is such a privilege. I am so thankful that I've been allowed the chance to experience it.

Have a wonderful Christmas Eve!

Must watch for Every Woman

The Business of Being Born trailer from mickinfc on Vimeo.


I just re-watched "The Business of Being Born" recently and was just struck again with how important this film is in creating awareness in the United States about the abnormality of our system of birth. "System" and "Birth" shouldn't even be in the same sentence...but they are.

This is a must watch film for anyone interested in childbirth, pregnancy, mothering or the state of women's rights in the United States (and beyond).

You can rent the full length film online at 
http://www.thebusinessofbeingborn.com/

Incredibly Super Cool Green Mama

I have found the most incredibly great person online. I had to share.

I found her homebirth video over at Marvelous Kiddo and was just awed by the beauty of it and her birth story. MUST watch...it's sooo wonderful and there is no graphic images...just a gorgeous video of how PEACEFUL birth can be!!

The Homebirth of Lucia Mae from Sara Janssen on Vimeo.

I traveled to her blog and noticed how much I LOVED her little apartment....and then onto her other blogs and SHE IS GREAT! Her beautiful family travels the US in a "green" RV on veggie oil doing RV makeovers and photo sessions etc. They sold their gorgeous house, paid off debt, quit their jobs to do this... How incredible?! Check out their travel blog for more awesomeness...
Happy Janssens

This is her personal blog which is also wonderful! Walk Slowly, Live Wildly

I'm just in awe of her family's ability to live out their dreams. I LOVE her philosphy on life and I'm just inspired. REALLY. I'm going to have to have a LONG chat with Bryan. haha.

This is her food blog which is ALSO inspiring me to go raw... I probably eat about a 40-50% raw diet but would love to increase that to 70%. Happy Foody

How To Make a Green Smoothie from Sara Janssen on Vimeo.

I would include some of her beautiful photos but since she is a professional photographer, they are copyrighted. Obviously. SO you'll just have to visit for yourself!!


I think you've inspired me, Sara, to do a "Incredibly Super Cool Green Mama" of the Week! 

Contentment

Do you crave direction or some sort of goal regardless if it creates/adds more stress to your life?

Maybe its a personality characteristic or something in all of us that creates this need to strive for more or have some sort of thing accomplished.

We get married, we have children, we buy a house, and then we need to have that next perfect job or next perfect car.... always something more.

Are we content to just "be"?

I have a feeling it could be generational. My grandparents have been just "being" for years now. They are content to live in the house they are in, content with the things they have, the relationships they maintain. They are happy, content people. I think their belief in God enables them to be that way...

When we depend so much on ourselves, we're never good enough. We need to lose weight, get smarter, spend more (or less)... we're always perfecting.

Can we be content to be who we are?

Personally, this is a huge struggle for me. If I'm not moving forward in some way, I feel like I'm failing. Obviously, some of this is healthy and good and we are meant to strive for things but taken to the extreme, we can make ourselves miserable.

Maybe when our focus is purely on ourselves is when this happens.

If we look at life as living to serve others and God, we will be happy.

That boring job becomes a way to show coworkers/clients/bosses kindness and love. The small cramped apartment becomes a home and not an place to be upgraded. The everyday daily annoyances of life reveal to us our weakness. When we look outside of ourselves, we see that there is much more room to strive towards things that will truly make a difference

All the days of the oppressed are wretched, but the cheerful heart has a continual feast. Proverbs 15:15

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. Phil 4:11

 Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.

Mother Teresa


 


I think for all of us, especially mothers, this needs to start at HOME. 

Our closest relationships, our spouses and children, should be full of LOVE, gentleness, forgiveness and respect. By modeling this for our children, they will turn around and love those around them. That is TRULY making a difference.

If our homes are not respectful, loving places to be, how can we reflect love to others? How can we teach our children to be content and grateful for what they have without being content ourselves?

Assurance

Assurance...... 

some random thoughts.

{Motherhood can be lonely.}

Maybe you have a child before anyone you know does and your friendships drift away from you.
Or you all have babies and are too busy to make time for one another - not by choice but by necessity.
Working moms, stay at home moms...both have so much to do that its difficult to find time to talk and share. Sometimes, I feel so out of the loop when catching up with old friends or talking to coworkers or anyone for that matter. Sure, I look like I might know what I'm talking about, but I actually have no idea. I'm struggling for words.

 I'm struggling for words. 

I've felt a lot of grief in the past week. I should be the happiest, most cheerful person in the whole entire  world considered what I've been blessed with but it's been difficult to be joyful recently. I've wanted to cry every day for no one reason that I can pinpoint at the time,

It's really not that "motherhood" so to speak is lonely in and of itself. It's actually full of company - children are incredibly loving and giving and boisterous. Its the loss or pausing of other relationships. Every once and again when you're reminded of what it was like to be able to just do, just go, just be spontaneous without worrying about whether or you not you've got diapers and wipes and sippy cups and snacks and making sure he/she is fed, happy and smiling.

Really though,
 Fed, happy and smiling is a much bigger joy than shopping by yourself in the end. It's just much more vulnerable. You've got more to lose.

I'm thinking about my little nephew who passed away last year. His 1st birthday would have been in a week or so. It hurts. His little life was so precious and the fact that we're mourning him now is a constant reminder that life is short and fleeting. There really are no words. Knowing that he is safe in God's arms is my only comfort.

Heidelberg Catechism Question 1.

Q. What is your only comfort

   in life and in death?

A. That I am not my own,^1
but belong—
body and soul,
in life and in death—^2
to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ.^3

He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood,^4
and has set me free from the tyranny of the devil.^5
He also watches over me in such a way^6
that not a hair can fall from my head
without the will of my Father in heaven:^7
in fact, all things must work together for my salvation.^8

Because I belong to him,
Christ, by his Holy Spirit,
assures me of eternal life^9
and makes me wholeheartedly willing and ready
from now on to live for him.^10

If I didn't have this comfort, I'm not sure I could handle the uncertainties of life. 

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending.


There are a few advantages to taking the journey into the shadow of death.  One is that you can appreciate the light more deeply than ever before. - Mom4Life


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On another note..

We've been going to a new church. http://burlingtonvineyard.org/
We really enjoy it so far. It's very small, maybe 20 people or so. It started a little while back and its been slow growing. The people are open, honest, friendly and loving. Most of them are our age with young children. This past Sunday, we met at one of the families' houses and sang and had more of a Bible study format than what people would consider "church". The open sharing and talking about how God has worked in lives as well as how we've struggled was refreshing to say the least. Looking forward to going to church on Sundays - being thirsty for more- has been something thats been missing for me for a while. I respect and love the church we had been going to but I feel that there are boundaries (imagined or not) that keep people apart there or from sharing their struggles. I know that I'm partly responsible for the feeling I'm talking about but hubby and I both felt that we needed a fresh start. We needed something separate from where my family has gone since my grandparents moved to Vermont. When you've been somewhere your whole life, its hard to step away from old feelings/old issues/etc.

I just feel that this church is truly living and breathing and OPEN to anyone. It's a community in every sense of the word and that is the one thing we've really been missing since moving back to VT. I'm happy and excited for what's to come.



Big sigh. I needed to type that all out.

Mother's Day

“A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path.” 
- Agatha Christie

How true is this quote? This was my second mother's day and each day that passes, I am more bonded to Noah than before. My love for him is so strong that it surprises me. I never understood "the mother instinct" concept before having him and now I understand. There is a physical reaction to your child...your whole body feels pain at the thought of something happening to them.

The second night of his life, we were in the hospital. I was exhausted not having slept much at all about 36 hrs labor and visitors, etc. Noah was fussy and crying. I didn't know what to do. The nurses took him to the nursery so I could rest. I felt horrible and woke up every 1/2 hr physically panicked about where he was. I finally asked them to bring him to me but I had never experienced such physical emotions. My whole being needed to be near him -- this is biology for the nursing mom but at the time, I didn't know anything about that.

I am thankful for him and thankful that I have the privilege of being his mother. He has the most incredible smile and infectious laugh. He is generous and empathetic even at 17 months.

I am blessed.

Privileged.

What is it about rainy days that make you sentimental and sullen? Today has been a little surreal in both a happy and sad way. Noah started to really use "yea" and "no" when I ask him questions. It's incredible just how much he understands. It is partly helpful and partly frightening. When he is shaking his head no, he means it! I'm grateful to know what he wants and how to help ---- soo amazing to have this solidified knowledge instead of just guessing all the time. However, it's scary to realize that he is truly growing up at the tender age of 17 months. Yikes.

He said "no" to nursing today. That was a first. And it hurt. At the same time, it is also a bit encouraging to know that he WILL wean himself eventually. I think I'm going to take the "don't offer, don't refuse" approach to weaning. Today he nursed in the morning and then didn't again until 2 which is about as long as he has ever gone voluntarily. This usually happens when we are out and about and busy. To be truthful though, I'm thankful he is not even close to weaning. It seems like most people can't WAIT to be done with nursing...to me, it will make my life so much more difficult and also we'll have to learn a whole new way of comforting, etc.

It's been a mentally exhausting day. Before I was a mom, I could just relax...like...I could sit in a hot tub or get a massage and literally have N-O-T-H-I-N-G on my mind. It's impossible now. I feel constantly on edge...not to the point of discomfort and anxiety but just this little person is always in the back of my mind. And today, I've been even more focused on Noah getting bigger and realizing that I'm responsible for his little life. God has been showering me with this deep awareness of the gravity and privilege of motherhood. 
I think one of the reasons He made us able to reproduce was so that we could understand on some level how deeply He loves us. Before Noah, I didn't have the understanding of the world that I have now. Things are more crisp, like you've just stepped outside a sunny morning after a night of rain. Everything is in focus. Somehow motherhood has deepened who I am and my relationship with Christ. I am falling on my knees every single moment because I realize how IN NEED I am actually am. There is nothing more humbling that learning how to slow down, forget yourself and listen to a child.

Thank you ...  I am blessed.

All or Nothing Motherhood

All or nothing thinking is what a lot of teenagers subscribe to. "If I can't go to the prom with Jimmy, I WILL die!". It's also what a lot of mothers subscribe to. "My house is a DISASTER, NO ONE is allowed to step though this door!" or... "If I can't have a unmedicated home birth, my whole birth experience will be ruined!" or... "If my child doesn't have straight A's and get into harvard, I've failed as a mother!".

Okay some of those are a little insane. But that's just it. We expect SO much of ourselves and if our children or parenting experiences don't live up to what we think life SHOULD be like, we become guilty and depressed and self-pitying. OR we don't trust ourselves enough to change something that could be changed the second time around.

For instance, I really wanted a drug-free birth. I did my research, I even listened to hypnobirthing cd's (albeit, I fell asleep after 5 minutes EVERY time). When it came down to it, I thought I was prepared to handle whatever came my way. I had a very long labor with all my contractions in my back. I didn't even OPEN my hospital bag. I sat in the tub in the hospital and just tried to deal. When I got to 8 cm after 24 hours....I was obviously going through transistion and the pain just became so unbearable. Someone mentioned medication and I was like...SIGN ME UP. I hit my wall.....I didn't think I could do it anymore. I got the epidural and things were pretty easy after that. The epi did fall out after awhile (even though the nurse who was TRIPPING over my IV and epidural cord said it wasn't). So I did feel a lot of pain after 3.5 hours of pushing. but in the end, I had a HEALTHY wonderful baby boy.

My regrets....1. birthing in a place where I felt scared. I didn't feel comfortable there. I was frightened and annoyed because I couldn't have a birthing tub. The water helped me soo much and I think having a tub would have helped me through the transistion phase.
2. just letting the nurses take over after birth. they took Noah the second night to sleep in the nursery because I was so tired but I WANTED him with me...I woke up constantly in a panic because I didn't have him near me.
3. having too many people in the delivery room. Now that I look back , I should have had just me and Bryan. Having to worry about what other people were thinking/feeling just wasn't good.
4. not trusting my body. I got the epidural because I didn't think I could do it. I was afraid and tired.

Now, I beat myself up about this for a while and now have come to terms with it and I'm fine. BUT because I value natural birth and labor as a beautiful birth process, next time, I STILL want to try to have an unmedicated birth. I could be like, " I will ONLY get the epidural now....what would I have done without it?! ".

But because I don't want to subscribe to this type of thinking where it's all or nothing...or "well, that's what happened that time, surely it will happen again"... I'm going to still attempt what I feel would be a very rewarding birth experience.

At the same time, I now know that if things DON'T go as planned, THAT'S OKAY. It's give and take. We do our best for our children.

The same goes for breastfeeding. or cosleeping. or whatever else you want to analyze. If you don't even TRY to do what you think is best for your baby because you are afraid to fail, you are shortchanging yourself and your child. At the same time, if you've been doing something that you thought was best and it turns out that it just NOT working for your family, then change it! As long as your child is healthy and you are healthy/happy, things will be okay.

I think weighing our decisions based on the "what best for baby" basket and the "whats best for mommy" basket is a good way to look at things. There is also a chart that PhD in Parenting put together which illustrates this point beautifully about how to balance your childs needs versus your own.
See below. Click to enlarge.

If your need to hang out with your friends is coming before your baby's need for sleep or nursing , that's a problem. If your baby's need to go to a play group is being put over YOUR need for sleep or eating....that's also a problem.

In conclusion, motherhood is NOT all or nothing and neither is life. You do the best you can. It's up to you to educate yourself and know the facts when you become a parent. If you are making decisions without learning about WHY or just doing things because "that's how so and so did it", that's not responsible.

We must do the best we can while utilizing all the resources available to us.