bittersweet.

Here I am once again. 28.5 weeks pregnant. sitting in the space of distant disbelief that labor (and a child) is coming while feeling the obvious discomfort of 3rd trimester pregnancy.
Yes, we are expecting our third little one. well, really, our fourth.

I think its taken me so long to write here about this pregnancy because it's almost like if I started to write, I would be forgetting the one that came before it. In November, we conceived. I was incredibly thrilled. It was fall, and beautiful. For 4 weeks, we held in our excitement, trying to refrain from telling everyone we knew. This baby felt full of hope and happiness. We just had moved into our new place in southern NH, started to get grounded and it felt like the perfect event to christen our move. I never expected to lose this little one.

Early in the morning on December 3rd (Noah's birthday), I woke up in the dark feeling cramps and warmth. Immediately, my stomach lurched and I ran to the bathroom. Sitting there, watching the redness swirl, tears stinging my cheeks, it wasn't a question. I knew I had lost the baby. The irony of welcoming a baby 5 years prior and losing one the same day felt cruel.

Even though we knew each other for a short time, the grief I felt shook me more than I can explain. The miscarriage was painful. It felt rushed as if it were shoved under the rug. It was Noah's birthday. I couldn't let it out. I cried in the kitchen when the kids weren't looking. Every trip to the bathroom, I wondered if that was the time my baby was flushed down the toilet. I confided in a few friends. Just knowing that others knew helped.  Bryan cried with me when I woke up in the middle of the night reliving the intensity of that two days of "labor". Laboring to let go is something I hadn't stopped to consider before.

As the days went on, the space in my chest felt hollow and numb. I was aching for this little one. Intuitively, the strong sense was there that this baby was a little boy. It's almost as if his presence was hovering over me at night. Wisdom and peace.

Bryan and I didn't talk really about trying again. I googled fertility after miscarriage maybe a hundred times. It wasn't that I wanted to replace the baby. I just realized how much we wanted to add to our family. Somehow I knew instinctively it would happen again soon. During this month, I grew closer to Bryan. Spiritually, I needed his strength. Our day to day lives didn't change, but I clung to him because it felt that he was the only one I knew could empathize with the sense of loss I was experiencing. The baby had been ours.

Christmas morning, I took a pregnancy test. I knew it would be positive. The tiniest, faintest line appeared. I tried to tell Bryan without really telling him...I knew that he would be angry that I had taken a test earlier than my missed period. We were trying to protect ourselves. If we didn't know, we couldn't be hurt when my "period" came. We didn't talk about it until New Year's Eve. Officially, I had missed my cycle, and the tests all showed dark lines. Cautious waiting. Rejoicing didn't quite happen.

This time, morning sickness took hold and didn't let go for 15+ weeks. There were nights where I sobbed because I truly felt like I was dying. The. worst. constant. nausea. I took unisom to sleep at night. There were days where I was throwing up trying to clean up my own vomit. Looking back, I'm not sure how we all withstood it. Bryan and his mother did my dishes, cleaned, fed the kids and generally carried me. We waited until 12 weeks, 3 days (after a dating ultrasound) to tell the kids. It wasn't until I saw my baby on the monitor that I truly believed it was real. The tiny heart beat, arms and legs, spine, everything intact, hiccuping. Me, crying and shaking on the ultrasound table from bittersweet relief.

40 + 2

Can this baby get any lower?

It feels like I'm literally hobbling around a head. Okay. gruesome image. but really.

If you're that low, why aren't you coming out?

Mommy is tired. and large. and her belly WAS enjoying not having any new stretch marks. Ah. the beauty and joys of child bearing.

I can tell you that my stomach muscles are probably incredible right now with all the braxton hicks contractions I've been having.

39 Weeks

Oh lovely girl of mine. You are making me wait ... and it's difficult.
My days are filled with constant braxton hicks contractions whenever I'm moving at all. The past few nights have been crampy, contraction filled but always I'm able to fall back asleep.
I've lost my plug (this morning!) and am very crampy... she's extremely low and I think she is ready to come out... just seems to be taking her time.

Trying to look at every day as a blessing and not something to be dreaded but I just feel like there is this huge white empty space waiting to be filled with baby. Noah and I have been going outside a lot and I've been trying to focus on time with him since pretty soon I won't be able to devote 100% of my time to him.

If I weren't so crampy and having so many false contractions, I wouldn't be so concerned about needing to wait longer but the physical discomfort has me constantly wondering... is this it?!

Praying has been helping a lot. At night when I'm super uncomfortable and agitated, I've just been trying to focus on praying or hymns... recently, Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow has been stuck in my head and I'm hoping this will be a good anchor for me during labor as well.

Soon, soon!

Baby Beautiful

Found this stunning illustration from Marvelous Kiddo .... by Samantha Hahn

Reminding me to enjoy the last few weeks of pregnancy  .... (especially since this could be our last!)

Second time's a charm?

You'd think once you've been pregnant once, you've been through it all. I ran the gauntlet. I survived. Doing it a second time shouldn't be any different, right? Wrong.

First of all, you are pregnant with a toddler to care for. Making you one. very. tired. pregnant. person. More tired than before. Impossible? No. Doable? Strangely.

Second, urinary incontinence. Okay, so this is really the whole reason I'm writing this post. I never had more than a drip during pregnancy until my water broke the night I went into labor. I'm 25 weeks pregnant right now and have a lovely cold.
I am peeing uncontrollably. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I cough.  What is happening? Will I ever go back to normal?! Seriously, did birthing a baby really make my vagina so weak that I can't help but pee my pants when I cough? You'd think you'd get away from pads during pregnancy but oh, the irony.

Thirdly, posterior pelvic pain. Pain in your .... @$$. Truly. It feels like sciatic nerve pain but it's not. I've been seeing a chiropractor and while its been helping, I'm still having spasms that are debilitating. Apparently its due to hormonal changes and/or weak stomach and back muscles combined with varying other factors. I know that my stomach muscles aren't so hot... I mean, how hot can they can be with 18 months between pregnancies? heh? Okay, that's a lame excuse. Really though, this is making being pregnant, not fun. I still have 15 weeks to go!

On the bright side. I've gained less weight thus far. and hopefully won't go over 25-30 lbs this pregnancy. 

Also... I get to buy pink this time which makes it more enjoyable. Mommies... what are your biggest complaints about pregnancy (first, second, third..?) ? I know we're supposed to only be googly eyed and dreaming at the thought of our new babies, however, sometimes you just need to get it out.

Baby #2

The need to blog overcomes the need to sleep. Incredibly.

May 26, 2010     

Take 2

As soon as I got out of work, I ran to Hannafords to get avocados (Noah’s staple) and some lunch foods for Bryan. Also, pregnancy tests.

Pink line pregnancy tests. Not blue lines, PINK. Apparently, the blue lined tests are considered less reliable. See, I had taken 3 Clear Blue Easy tests the past two days and, they came back negative but with this weird very very very light shadow where the positive would be.

I already just knew that I was pregnant, BUT, only a strong positive line would really. Convince. Me. and solidify that this WAS happening.

I had had two vivid pregnancy dreams (which I’ve only had when pregnant), strong headaches, nausea, forgetfulness, sharp cramps around implantation time, food aversions and heightened sense of smell.

This morning, I couldn’t drink my coffee and the cramps have been unbearable.

Uh oh.

Sure enough, two positives.! 12 days past ovulation and I haven’t even missed my period yet.

I don’t know what it is about the 26^th of months, but I found out that I was pregnant with Noah on the 26^th of March 2008. Now, 26^th of May 2010… there’s another little one growing away.  

I’m scared. Our ducks are so NOT in a row. BUT I am so excited and happy. I’m worried mostly that I might miscarry. I don’t have any reason to believe I will, but I’m already in love with this sweet pea and it’s only been a day of knowing for sure that he/she is in there.

Time for sleep, time to dream…..

May 27^th

No period. I was scared to go to the bathroom all day because I thought that maybe AF would show and I’d be dealing with a loss instead of a monthly annoyance.

Feeling better today after a full night of sleep. I don’t think I can handle the night shift. I felt HORRIBLE before, and now that I’ve had a chance to sleep, I’m feeling much better.

How to make money without working?! We can survive on Bryan’s income but we won’t be paying our student loans. I may be able to get them deferred if I go back to school for lactation but it’s really not in our best interest financially.

So many issues. I’m thinking about trying my hand at making sewing slings. Wouldn’t bring in a lot of income but might be enough to float us. Lots of ideas….we’ll see how long I last working nights.

Baby’s heart might be starting to beat any day now. Wish I could get an early ultrasound to see!  <3

June 8, 2010

We had our first baby appt yesterday morning. We just went into to talk to the midwives that I’m interested in seeing and it went really well.  I’m hoping for a home birth this time. I’ll go into it more later.

I am completely and utterly exhausted right now. I’ve been barely able to keep my eyes open all night. I told my supervisor when I came in for my shift and thankfully she was understanding about it.  Literally, I’m falling asleep writing this………..I pray that I’m able to get some sleep today. I’m hoping to get into bed by 4 pm and sleep till 10 pm. That way I’ll get a solid 6 hours straight….oh man, that sounds glorious right noww.

I’m nervous about leaving my job because of the financial strain of it. We have a month till I am done here. One month to budget, save  a little and try to figure out how we’re going to make ends meet for the next two years or more of course.

I’m just now into my 6^th week. The exhaustion and food aversions are in full swing.

June 10^th, 2010

This is my last night of working 4 nights a week. I only have to work three from now on until July 7^th which is my last day working nights. I’m SO thankful that my supervisor was understanding and flexible with me. I just can’t do it. I am 10x more tired than normal which is… um… horrible.

I can barely make it through the day with Noah and then barely drive to work at night. I’m falling asleep as I type beause any mundane activity makes me nod off.

Starting to feel a little swollen in the belly area….not my post-Noah belly but by my hips where the uterus starts to rise up into. It’s a crazy feeling. I wish I could have an ultrasound just so I knew that everything was okay with the baby..I’ll probably schedule it sometime near my first prenatal appt on july 9. I’ll be almost 10 weeks at that point.

June 14^th, 2010

Morning sickness/ all day sickness….pregnancy sickness.

AGH. I feel horrible. I feel like I have the worst flu of my life. This is miserable. I can barely stand to look in the refrigerator…..or go near the dishes. dear Lord, help me.

At work… dying and its only 12:30. Aufkjshfuihekjbuhj

Need to eat because I am so hungry but afraid to walk into the kitchen.

Being nauseated is probably the worst feeling ever. AGH I forgot how miserable this was with Noah…. Really… after this….I might be done having children.

I don’t feel 100% sure about the gender at all..I want to say it’s a girl but I don’t have a true gut feeling I don’t think.

Makes me worry about twins. Does that even happen in people with no genetic predisposal to twins? I would be so shocked and scared if that happened to me..I can’t even imagine TWO babies with a 2 yr old….yikes! I don’t know why I keep thinking about the twins thing…probably because I’m petrified of it!

My belly isn’t showing yet or anything but I am definitely more bloated. My pants are starting to get uncomfortable to button and at the end of the day I can feel a bit of bump veryy low. Its crazy……I can’t believe that we are actually having another baby.

Into the 7^th week…..hoping the morning sickness goes away!!!!

I have to laugh at myself a little bit though….I remember during my pregnancy with Noah, I was miserable as well….there are so many aches and pains that come with being pregnant. It’s a lot more than having a cute baby bump. I can’t wait until the good part comes….the kicking baby, the ultrasound, the one fleeting day where pregnancy makes you feel like this beautiful goddess.

Excuse me while I try not to throw up………what are the benefits of only having two children?

July 1^st, 2010

The past couple of weeks have been brutal. Its starting to get a little better but I hate even typing that because I’m so scared that it will get worse. My smell aversions are through the roof.

Need someone to figure out where you have mold in your house? I’m your girl. Literally, if there is ANY mold anywhere, I can smell it a mile away. EWww…

Bryan is being wonderful and has done the dishes for me the past 4 weeks and also completely cleaned out the refrigerator because I couldn’t even be in our kitchen at all without throwing up. I lived upstairs and at my moms.

Ugh….tired. Next week is my last week of nights. Thank goodness. I feel much better when I’m sleeping normally. Also, if I’m eating like every hour, I feel okay. Once my stomach gets empty, its all over.

Today at 10 am, we have our first ultrasound. I’m excited. Hoping the baby is doing well despite my lack of nutrition.

My lack of blogging is beoming pathetic right now. I feel terrible for not keeping up with it. I’m just … brainless….. I can’t think. I’m too sick to even muster a product review or post pictures of Noah. It’s just. Sad.

Hoping things get back to normal soon.
 

Must watch for Every Woman

The Business of Being Born trailer from mickinfc on Vimeo.


I just re-watched "The Business of Being Born" recently and was just struck again with how important this film is in creating awareness in the United States about the abnormality of our system of birth. "System" and "Birth" shouldn't even be in the same sentence...but they are.

This is a must watch film for anyone interested in childbirth, pregnancy, mothering or the state of women's rights in the United States (and beyond).

You can rent the full length film online at 
http://www.thebusinessofbeingborn.com/