bittersweet.

Here I am once again. 28.5 weeks pregnant. sitting in the space of distant disbelief that labor (and a child) is coming while feeling the obvious discomfort of 3rd trimester pregnancy.
Yes, we are expecting our third little one. well, really, our fourth.

I think its taken me so long to write here about this pregnancy because it's almost like if I started to write, I would be forgetting the one that came before it. In November, we conceived. I was incredibly thrilled. It was fall, and beautiful. For 4 weeks, we held in our excitement, trying to refrain from telling everyone we knew. This baby felt full of hope and happiness. We just had moved into our new place in southern NH, started to get grounded and it felt like the perfect event to christen our move. I never expected to lose this little one.

Early in the morning on December 3rd (Noah's birthday), I woke up in the dark feeling cramps and warmth. Immediately, my stomach lurched and I ran to the bathroom. Sitting there, watching the redness swirl, tears stinging my cheeks, it wasn't a question. I knew I had lost the baby. The irony of welcoming a baby 5 years prior and losing one the same day felt cruel.

Even though we knew each other for a short time, the grief I felt shook me more than I can explain. The miscarriage was painful. It felt rushed as if it were shoved under the rug. It was Noah's birthday. I couldn't let it out. I cried in the kitchen when the kids weren't looking. Every trip to the bathroom, I wondered if that was the time my baby was flushed down the toilet. I confided in a few friends. Just knowing that others knew helped.  Bryan cried with me when I woke up in the middle of the night reliving the intensity of that two days of "labor". Laboring to let go is something I hadn't stopped to consider before.

As the days went on, the space in my chest felt hollow and numb. I was aching for this little one. Intuitively, the strong sense was there that this baby was a little boy. It's almost as if his presence was hovering over me at night. Wisdom and peace.

Bryan and I didn't talk really about trying again. I googled fertility after miscarriage maybe a hundred times. It wasn't that I wanted to replace the baby. I just realized how much we wanted to add to our family. Somehow I knew instinctively it would happen again soon. During this month, I grew closer to Bryan. Spiritually, I needed his strength. Our day to day lives didn't change, but I clung to him because it felt that he was the only one I knew could empathize with the sense of loss I was experiencing. The baby had been ours.

Christmas morning, I took a pregnancy test. I knew it would be positive. The tiniest, faintest line appeared. I tried to tell Bryan without really telling him...I knew that he would be angry that I had taken a test earlier than my missed period. We were trying to protect ourselves. If we didn't know, we couldn't be hurt when my "period" came. We didn't talk about it until New Year's Eve. Officially, I had missed my cycle, and the tests all showed dark lines. Cautious waiting. Rejoicing didn't quite happen.

This time, morning sickness took hold and didn't let go for 15+ weeks. There were nights where I sobbed because I truly felt like I was dying. The. worst. constant. nausea. I took unisom to sleep at night. There were days where I was throwing up trying to clean up my own vomit. Looking back, I'm not sure how we all withstood it. Bryan and his mother did my dishes, cleaned, fed the kids and generally carried me. We waited until 12 weeks, 3 days (after a dating ultrasound) to tell the kids. It wasn't until I saw my baby on the monitor that I truly believed it was real. The tiny heart beat, arms and legs, spine, everything intact, hiccuping. Me, crying and shaking on the ultrasound table from bittersweet relief.

Personality Flaws

No one really tells you about your personality flaws. Your husband or best friend might mention something jokingly or in a little fight but usually, these comments are over looked as "just kidding" or spiteful. At least for me, no one comes right out and says , "Sarah, you really need to change this or that".

The past two days have been like a slap in the face from my inner conscience.Two major events that both me a lot have been lingering in my mind. God is trying to tell me something.

Scenario 1: At work, coworkers (both of whom I disagree with on many issues) who I'd like to get to know better and talk with are chatting away about something to do with doctors not knowing anything. I pipe up immediately because (as you may have noticed) I tend to agree with the statement that many doctors overstep their authority and offer advice which really should be a referral or pressure you into making uninformed decisions based on their degree.  I go into a very personal and way too detailed account of my eating issues in high school and how my doctor told me it was just a phase.

I mentioned all of this casually, flippantly, almost and realized as soon as I told these people whom I barely know but will have to see every single week about an incredibly personal issue in detail, that, I shouldn't have.

Why do I blab personal information to random people that I barely know?! This blog is an exception, I believe because 1) it's an outlet for me. and 2) you are choosing to read it. My comments to my coworkers were like watching an unfortunate person throw up... you didn't choose to and you feel very ill at the sight of it. I'm pretty sure they didn't want to know about my personal history re:ED and it added little to the conversation.

My dad once took me by the shoulders and said " Sarah, you need to THINK before you SPEAK". I will always remember that because it gets to the core of my dysfunction most of the time.

Scenario #2 - More about speaking. I wanted to go into counseling since I was in high school...partly because I truly care about and want to help people and because I love reading/listening to people's life stories. I thought, "I'm good at talking and bringing out people's thoughts...what a good career choice".

What I need to learn is how to LISTEN. I believe that a lot of the time I CAN be great at listening to others but I am always perpetually holding back from offering advice or solutions and that really is not conducive to good listening.

Today, Noah and I were at Walmart. (Ugh.......I always end up there when I have a multitude of random things to buy...) and were in the baby section. A lovely new mom and baby were shopping and she stopped to say hi to Noah... we were ooing over her baby and she was telling me how old, etc. We had a short convo about sleep and lack there of  and then I left.

After I walked away, I realized. She wanted to talk to me. I wasn't really listening to her. She probably needed to talk to another mom and vent or commiserate or just chat and I totally just ignored the need she was presenting. Christ would not have done that. He would have forgotten about the tasks at hand and slowed down and LISTENED. I should have listened or invited her on a coffee/playdate.

I just feel this incredible guilt because I could sense that there was a need there and I didn't try to meet it.

How do I become more AWARE of those around me and their needs and not so into my own? I'm praying about this this week and trying to forget myself. I feel this HUGE calling to be encouraging and helpful to new moms/moms to be. There are many times where I know I've just walked away from that....instead of taking the time to be a more thoughtful person.