Privileged.

What is it about rainy days that make you sentimental and sullen? Today has been a little surreal in both a happy and sad way. Noah started to really use "yea" and "no" when I ask him questions. It's incredible just how much he understands. It is partly helpful and partly frightening. When he is shaking his head no, he means it! I'm grateful to know what he wants and how to help ---- soo amazing to have this solidified knowledge instead of just guessing all the time. However, it's scary to realize that he is truly growing up at the tender age of 17 months. Yikes.

He said "no" to nursing today. That was a first. And it hurt. At the same time, it is also a bit encouraging to know that he WILL wean himself eventually. I think I'm going to take the "don't offer, don't refuse" approach to weaning. Today he nursed in the morning and then didn't again until 2 which is about as long as he has ever gone voluntarily. This usually happens when we are out and about and busy. To be truthful though, I'm thankful he is not even close to weaning. It seems like most people can't WAIT to be done with nursing...to me, it will make my life so much more difficult and also we'll have to learn a whole new way of comforting, etc.

It's been a mentally exhausting day. Before I was a mom, I could just relax...like...I could sit in a hot tub or get a massage and literally have N-O-T-H-I-N-G on my mind. It's impossible now. I feel constantly on edge...not to the point of discomfort and anxiety but just this little person is always in the back of my mind. And today, I've been even more focused on Noah getting bigger and realizing that I'm responsible for his little life. God has been showering me with this deep awareness of the gravity and privilege of motherhood. 
I think one of the reasons He made us able to reproduce was so that we could understand on some level how deeply He loves us. Before Noah, I didn't have the understanding of the world that I have now. Things are more crisp, like you've just stepped outside a sunny morning after a night of rain. Everything is in focus. Somehow motherhood has deepened who I am and my relationship with Christ. I am falling on my knees every single moment because I realize how IN NEED I am actually am. There is nothing more humbling that learning how to slow down, forget yourself and listen to a child.

Thank you ...  I am blessed.